Storm in an egg cup

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How quickly things escalate. My partner said she wanted a bit of the soup I had made myself for lunch, which I took literally, and put soup in the smallest glass dish I could find.

Her humorous retaliation came shortly after with the making of a cup of tea for me...in an egg cup!

I could tell this was not going to end well...

I joked with her that I was so looking forward to cooking her dinner that night!

While the above was very much done in the spirit of fun for both of us, it is a good metaphor for how quickly something can escalate because people have taken issue with something someone has said or done. Phrases such as below are often the 'road to escalation'

 "I am going to win"

"I am not going to back down"

"I am going to make sure that person pay for that..."

"They need to be taught a lesson"

When this thinking or language start being expressed, it can be a good indicator that the issue is on the 'road to escalation' and whatever the original issue was, is at risk of getting lost somewhere along the way.

It can be useful if you hear yourself using 'road to escalation' expressions and reflect on the needs or or values that underpin that position.

David Rock's SCARF model is a really useful tool to help work out what needs or values might get triggered leading to an escalation of an issue.

You might be interested to know, I was sensible to not carry on the humour with the egg-cup. Mainly because...I know I would lose that game!

Problem...not the person

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"That person is a...." or  "That (insert expletive) person is incredibly difficult" are statements which are commonly made and at the same time incredibly unhelpful.

While it is recognised as a way of expressing an opinion or feelings about a person, focusing on the person can create a significant barrier to changing or influencing an outcome beyond confirming a view that "this person is and always will be "difficult".

Basically, they have pressed your button. They have said or done something which is contrary to your needs, wants and/or values. If your  perspective is that the 'person' is difficult', then it is much harder to resolve, or have a meaningful conversation about the issues,  because it is now tied with the person's character, instead of some behaviour.  You may even find yourself in the heat of the conversation questioning their parentage!

If you chose instead to focus on the "It" - that is, what specifically it is that the person has said or done,  then the options to resolve the situation  greatly increase.  Sometimes a useful strategy can be to note in some way what the behaviour was that triggered the "that person is xxxxx difficult"

Increasing our own awareness of the reason why 'it' (x's behaviour) pressed our button, will minimise the chances of the situation escalating and of us over-reacting.

A focus on the  person and not their behaviour creates for us a fight, flight, freeze response because the brain perceives an attack from a person, whereas if it's a problem, we know how to sort those...we are naturally good at that!

Getting rid of the "That person is difficult..."type language is not easy. I would be interested to hear from others what strategies they use to help them change the focus to be about the problem and not the person.

 

Mediation is a no brainer

The majority of people are not comfortable being in conflict with one another. We naturally prefer a state of equilibrium. Sickness and significant stress can and does result from unresolved conflict.

When conflict occurs in a workplace or organisation, the impact is huge. If it can be successfully worked out without the need for someone independent, that is the second best outcome - next to not actually having reached that point in the first place!

Question which is often asked, "what if I go to mediation and it doesn't work?"

Short answer is, in all likelihood, through the mediation process  you will have:

  • resolved some, if not all of the issues  
  • a more informed understanding of the issues. 
  • significantly reduced the likelihood of escalation

Often organisations like schools and not for profit organisations which operate on tight budgets, are often resistant to get someone external to assist with a conflict situation because of the perceived cost. 

This needs to be weighed up against the risk and cost if if doesn't resolve without external support. In my role as  a mediator who assists organisations with disputes I am acutely aware of the importance of early intervention and resolution.  I suspect the financial and reputation cost far outweighs any short term cost involved in a mediation process, especially if lawyers have been required or if the issues have made it onto social media or news outlets.

These potential risks and benefits make having mediation as one of the early resolution strategies a no brainer!

 

 

Oops! I missed that one - The danger of not asking the question

Complaints grow legs the longer they are allowed to exist. If you ever find yourself asking, "How did this suddenly get to this situation?", then it's often because an earlier opportunity to recognise a complaint was missed.

Complaints can be and often are made in the form of 'softly presented' expressions of concern about something or someone. It is fairly common for these to be missed and consequently grow in seriousness.

A complainant could justifiably say, "I asked you to do something about this two months ago!" By this stage the legs of the complaint have grown quite a bit, and irrespective of what the original issue was the complainant may now hold an opinion on your skills, attitude, or even your parentage! It is also fairly likely they will have told a number of other people, either in person or, worse, on social media.

It's important to be alert to the possibility that what you're being told is a complaint. You can be sure by simply asking the person if they are making a complaint, especially if you are hearing phrases such as, "I am concerned...", "that doesn't satisfactorily answer my question", or "I am not happy about..." or numerous other possibilities.

We tend not to ask the question because we are concerned about the work involved if it is a complaint.

However, if you think it might be a complaint, don't hope it will go away. It won't!

The 'But' stops here...

One of the best things I learned to help avoid a conversation from stalling (especially important in complaint handling) was to be aware of everytime I used the word BUT in my conversation.   

BUT will successfully do three things:

1) stop your ability to successfully influence another person on your perspective

2) move you out of rapport with the other person

3) lead the other person to believe you are 'difficult to deal with' because you are not able to listen

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 "Those clothes look great on you, but..."

"I understand, but..."

It would be fair to say the person hearing the comment would be far more focused on what was about to come (usually a critique or criticism) and not have heard the positive.  It is entirely possible, in fact, highly likely, they will not have taken  anything  except the stuff you said, following the 'but'

The challenge with making the 'but stop here' is the reality lots of people use it. Either "no, but.." or "yes, but..." Is very common. 

This does not mean it cannot be changed. It simply requires a shift in thinking from looking at ways to counter someone else's view to finding ways to understand their view more carefully.  Often 'but' can appropriately be replaced by 'and..."

Next time you are in a meeting, it is a fun distraction to have a listen and count up the number of time  you hear people use  'that' word, and then observe what happens in the discussion.

 

"Come back, Sirius": the assumptions we make

When my black labrador was six months old, and he decided to chase after a cat, I did what any other person, with little experience of what a hyper-energetic, brainless puppy would do… I ran after him, yelling and calling; which incidentally had absolutely no impact on the dog whatsoever.

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The labrador eventually was returned to us, by one of the neighbours who said the dog must have lost sight of the cat, then decided the open door of their flat was an invitation for him to go in and give them a big greeting. 

The incident, in itself, was not memorable if I just looked at the facts of a puppy running away to chase after a cat. If this was all there was to the incident, it would soon be forgotten. The context is what made it memorable to this day.

At the time my labrador ran away, I was running a traditional 312-strong first year Hall of Residence. The staff had surprised the residents by transforming the Hall into Hogwarts overnight. When the residents woke up, the floors had been renamed into Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, & Hufflepuff.  Pictures were changed, the dining room was transformed into The Great Hall, and the courtyard was turned into a Quidditch pitch. All the staff were dressed as one of the Harry Potter characters for the day. I had transformed into Dumbledore thanks to the costume.

I was in the courtyard, which the residents windows faced out onto, when Sirius (for those of you not familiar with Harry Potter - Sirius Black was the name of a character who transformed into a dog) decided to do his runner!

So there I was, dressed as Dumbledore, chasing and yelling “Sirius, come back…”, while all the residents watched me.  After a couple of minutes of running, by this stage I was out on the main road feeling somewhat foolish.

There are some parallels with what happens when we don't have all the facts and simply rely on what we have either, seen, heard or felt.

In a mediation or complaint situation often the facts are the tip of the iceberg. It is only when a person is able to tell the ‘story’ do you discover the context to their words or actions. Sometimes the reason something has escalated has very little to do with the actual situation.

We can quickly make a judgement on a situation based on first impressions, or just on the facts initially presented. We may be missing part of the story. This often leads to an escalation of an issue to a point where parties start to lose trust in each other, because neither feels or think the other party has understood them properly, or have the “correct understanding of what happened”.

It is not beyond the realm of possibility for someone to have had a rough nights sleep because of a baby teething, slept through an alarm, missed the bus, forgotten to take their phone, arrived to work 30 minutes late for an important meeting, and then reacted when someone commented on the difficulty their being late created.

The simple question of “Help me to understand…” can - and does - lead to a richer conversation, and more opportunity for either party to get a better understanding of context, and what informed a person’s actions.

Towards the end of the Hogwarts day, I overheard a group of residents comment about how much Simon had got into it, running around yelling out Sirius Black. It was only at that point that I clicked they hadn’t seen the dog running away, and could only see me running and yelling dressed as Dumbledore…If only they knew!