Fine, I will just do it all myself! →

“Fine, I will do it all myself”, “Fine, I will I never ask you for help again”, “Fine, I will contact the CEO then!” or “Fine, I will move out then!” are classic ‘dead-end’ statements.

Whether its in business or personal life, it is useful to have strategies in your head to assist if you want to maintain the relationship.

It is fairly common to respond to those sorts of statements with “Fine!” or “Whatever” which is a sure fire way of tipping the conversation closer to the precipice of no return.  Tammy Lenski suggests a better response is “That’s an option we can consider”, or “How can we figure a less extreme solution?” These responses acknowledge the reaction without getting positional or caving to their words.

The key is embedding in your brain, to respond with a “How can...? to encourage problem solving without getting into yes and no responses. 

What it does require is an awareness of own reaction to the words being said, and the ability to create a space between reaction and action. 

Tammy Lenski is well worth following and has some other great times for situations where a person is being defensive, uncommunicative or they are simply unloading a lot and leaving you feeling overwhelmed.

Real Estate Parking

As I made space for someone to do their manoeuvres to reverse out of a tight car park, I overheard conversation  about another drivers impatient response to  someone attempting to park .

The driver of that other vehicle was quickly labelled by those watching as being impatient, rude, arrogant and selfish. Unfortunately, their vehicle was emblazoned with signwriting advertising its business as  a real estate and property management company. 

The people standing around all loudly agreed they would never use that real estate agents services and they would tell others not to as well.  

The driver of the 'offending' vehicle was likely to be blissfully unaware of the future impact of that interaction and any reputational damage as a result. If we spoke to the driver they are likely to have a different story of the event.

 Yet because of perceptions, biases and assumptions made by those I overheard,  there is a possible risk to the company reputation.

Research shows we make judgements on a situation in a matter of seconds and changing this perception takes significantly longer. 

It highlights the importance for a company or organisation to be hyper aware of its actions or lack thereof if it wants to protect its brand. Just ask United Airline whether they would agree with that! 

Storm in an egg cup

How quickly things escalate. My partner said she wanted a bit of the soup I had made myself for lunch, which I took literally, and put soup in the smallest glass dish I could find.

Her humorous retaliation came shortly after with the making of a cup of tea for me...in an egg cup!

I could tell this was not going to end well...

I joked with her that I was so looking forward to cooking her dinner that night!

While the above was very much done in the spirit of fun for both of us, it is a good metaphor for how quickly something can escalate because people have taken issue with something someone has said or done. Phrases such as below are often the 'road to escalation'

 "I am going to win"

"I am not going to back down"

"I am going to make sure that person pay for that..."

"They need to be taught a lesson"

When this thinking or language start being expressed, it can be a good indicator that the issue is on the 'road to escalation' and whatever the original issue was, is at risk of getting lost somewhere along the way.

It can be useful if you hear yourself using 'road to escalation' expressions and reflect on the needs or or values that underpin that position.

David Rock's SCARF model is a really useful tool to help work out what needs or values might get triggered leading to an escalation of an issue.

You might be interested to know, I was sensible to not carry on the humour with the egg-cup. Mainly because...I know I would lose that game!

Ending with 666

My phone ended with the digits 666. When it was just private use, there were no issues. Things changed when I went into own business keeping the same number. 

On numerous occasions people told me they didn't like receiving or making calls to my phone because of the number....666.

Thank you, "The Omen" and "The Exorcist"!

I found it surprising how something like three identical digits in a phone number could possibly affect business. If I ignored these people feeling uncomfortable then I might possibly lose their business; I needed to weigh this up against the cost and hassle of changing my number.

If I had not had at least half a dozen people tell me about their unease with calling a number ending  with 666 in it, I likely would not have known. It is certainly not something I would have put in a market test survey to find out! It was not my intention to offend or have people feel uncomfortable when I called.

The clients' feedback is gold. it allows an opportunity to reflect and evaluate and make changes to build the relationships.

I made the choice to change my number. While I cannot say with any certainty doing that so has attracted or detracted from my business, I have not had people tell me they are uncomfortable taking or receiving calls on my new number.

Having said that...I really did like that number!

Problem...not the person

"That person is a...." or  "That (insert expletive) person is incredibly difficult" are statements which are commonly made and at the same time incredibly unhelpful.

While it is recognised as a way of expressing an opinion or feelings about a person, focusing on the person can create a significant barrier to changing or influencing an outcome beyond confirming a view that "this person is and always will be "difficult".

Basically, they have pressed your button. They have said or done something which is contrary to your needs, wants and/or values. If your  perspective is that the 'person' is difficult', then it is much harder to resolve, or have a meaningful conversation about the issues,  because it is now tied with the person's character, instead of some behaviour.  You may even find yourself in the heat of the conversation questioning their parentage!

If you chose instead to focus on the "It" - that is, what specifically it is that the person has said or done,  then the options to resolve the situation  greatly increase.  Sometimes a useful strategy can be to note in some way what the behaviour was that triggered the "that person is xxxxx difficult"

Increasing our own awareness of the reason why 'it' (x's behaviour) pressed our button, will minimise the chances of the situation escalating and of us over-reacting.

A focus on the  person and not their behaviour creates for us a fight, flight, freeze response because the brain perceives an attack from a person, whereas if it's a problem, we know how to sort those...we are naturally good at that!

Getting rid of the "That person is difficult..."type language is not easy. I would be interested to hear from others what strategies they use to help them change the focus to be about the problem and not the person.

Playing in the sandpit

The expression, 'throwing your toys out of the sandpit,' has been around a long time, and is usually said in the context of describing either a toddler (or, on occasion, an adult), who has decided not to play nicely and has thrown a tantrum.

Playing in the sandpit with others can be a useful metaphor for a work organisation.  Space is confined, people might compete for the same things, one person might not like the way someone else plays, or they might not even be allowed to play with certain other people because of workplace dynamics.

If one thinks about the strategies involved with children learning to play in the sandpit together, there are some basic principles which can be applied to organisations.

1. Ensure the communication is clear on expectations (organisational culture) for playing in the same space. Get buy-in from all and constantly revisit those expectations.

2. Create a culture where individuals can express their interests, not just their position. Move beyond 'I want this....now!' Dig down to the reasons for their view. Questions that are open and begin with 'What...' and/or 'How...' are your best friends for getting to interests. 

3. Have a clear and transparent process for the times when someone 'loses it' because their needs are not being met. Ideally it will be a process that is based on mutual respect and allows growth. Sometimes bringing in external help to facilitate this can be helpful, as well. Often managers forget they are playing in the same sandpit, and that they might be part of the reason for the person losing it in the first place. 

A lot of the facilitation, mediation, and conflict coaching work I do is about getting people to play nicely with each other in their workplace sandpit through gaining a better understanding of the other person's perspective, needs and interests. 

A very effective way to assist individual(s) to resolve workplace issues and concerns is with a trained conflict management coach. This is when an individual gets to work through the issues independent of the other person.  It can be a very cost effective way of resolving issues when people have stopped playing nicely in that very small sandpit!

Lydia Ko - reflecting her values

Lydia Ko, World Champion golfer, was interviewed  after day three of four in  her bid for a Rio Olympic Games golf medal. Going into the third day she was well off the pace and not really looking like a medal contender. After a great round of golf on day three, this is what she commented to reporters.

"I've just got to stick to my own gameplan. I think that's really important. Sometimes you can get carried away about what somebody else is doing. I'm just going to focus solely on me. Try and play some good golf, just stay patient but at the same time have fun. I'm having this opportunity at the Olympics to maybe stand on the podium and that itself I'm really grateful for that. Either way I'm just going to enjoy it. The other girls are playing some great golf and hopefully I'll be able to do the same."

In her response she reflected some incredible wisdom, depth of character and values.  Respect for others, humility, passion, drive and gratitude  are implicit.

Great example of living her values day-to-day.

Paralysis by Analysis - overthinking →

I used to joke about people's ability to not make decisions, calling it 'paralysis by analysis'. Having too many options and not wanting to commit to one thing. Brendon Burchard gives some really clear steps to assist people who are stuck on making decisions. 

Brendon Burchard gave some good insights into what he terms ‘analysis paralysis’.

Look Beyond Yourself and Serve.
 Stop worrying if you’re good enough,  ready enough, or getting everything perfect in order to start. Look beyond yourself and realize your taking action can help others – your family, your team, your business and community. Serve! The way to get out of your head is to get in motion serving other people.

Clarify your vision and work backward.
What does your ultimate outcome look like? What would you define as success? How will you know when you’ve reached your goal? Once you have that vision clear in your head, work backwards from that to define the process to accomplish it. You don’t have to know every step, just a step.

Accomplish 3 things every day.
Just take three steps every day. If you don’t know where to start, try modelling others. What path did they follow? What are their habits? What do they seem to do every day or weekly?

Daily Practice.
If something is important to you, it needs to become a constant in your life. You need discipline and the willingness to show up every day and work towards it. Put it in your calendar and do something every day. The momentum of that will teach you to stop stalling.