Mediation is a no brainer

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The majority of people are not comfortable being in conflict with one another. We naturally prefer a state of equilibrium. Sickness and significant stress can and does result from unresolved conflict.

When conflict occurs in a workplace or organisation, the impact is huge. If it can be successfully worked out without the need for someone independent, that is the second best outcome - next to not actually having reached that point in the first place!

Question which is often asked, "what if I go to mediation and it doesn't work?"

Short answer is, in all likelihood, through the mediation process  you will have:

  • resolved some, if not all of the issues  
  • a more informed understanding of the issues. 
  • significantly reduced the likelihood of escalation

Often organisations like schools and not for profit organisations which operate on tight budgets, are often resistant to get someone external to assist with a conflict situation because of the perceived cost. 

This needs to be weighed up against the risk and cost if if doesn't resolve without external support. In my role as  a mediator who assists organisations with disputes I am acutely aware of the importance of early intervention and resolution.  I suspect the financial and reputation cost far outweighs any short term cost involved in a mediation process, especially if lawyers have been required or if the issues have made it onto social media or news outlets.

These potential risks and benefits make having mediation as one of the early resolution strategies a no brainer!

 

 

Oops! I missed that one - The danger of not asking the question

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Complaints grow legs the longer they are allowed to exist. If you ever find yourself asking, "How did this suddenly get to this situation?", then it's often because an earlier opportunity to recognise a complaint was missed.

Complaints can be and often are made in the form of 'softly presented' expressions of concern about something or someone. It is fairly common for these to be missed and consequently grow in seriousness.

A complainant could justifiably say, "I asked you to do something about this two months ago!" By this stage the legs of the complaint have grown quite a bit, and irrespective of what the original issue was the complainant may now hold an opinion on your skills, attitude, or even your parentage! It is also fairly likely they will have told a number of other people, either in person or, worse, on social media.

It's important to be alert to the possibility that what you're being told is a complaint. You can be sure by simply asking the person if they are making a complaint, especially if you are hearing phrases such as, "I am concerned...", "that doesn't satisfactorily answer my question", or "I am not happy about..." or numerous other possibilities.

We tend not to ask the question because we are concerned about the work involved if it is a complaint.

However, if you think it might be a complaint, don't hope it will go away. It won't!

Sporting Metaphor for Effective Listening

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John Hester suggests five tips for effective communication. I think the metaphor he uses could stick for some people, especially if you are sports mad! 

To listen effectively, I suggest that you view dialogue more like a pitcher and catcher in a baseball game. The pitcher (speaker) throws the ball for the catcher (you) to receive it. The catcher only throws the ball back after he has it firmly in his grasp.

The 'But' stops here...

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One of the best things I learned to help avoid a conversation from stalling (especially important in complaint handling) was to be aware of everytime I used the word BUT in my conversation.   

BUT will successfully do three things:

1) stop your ability to successfully influence another person on your perspective

2) move you out of rapport with the other person

3) lead the other person to believe you are 'difficult to deal with' because you are not able to listen

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 "Those clothes look great on you, but..."

"I understand, but..."

It would be fair to say the person hearing the comment would be far more focused on what was about to come (usually a critique or criticism) and not have heard the positive.  It is entirely possible, in fact, highly likely, they will not have taken  anything  except the stuff you said, following the 'but'

The challenge with making the 'but stop here' is the reality lots of people use it. Either "no, but.." or "yes, but..." Is very common. 

This does not mean it cannot be changed. It simply requires a shift in thinking from looking at ways to counter someone else's view to finding ways to understand their view more carefully.  Often 'but' can appropriately be replaced by 'and..."

Next time you are in a meeting, it is a fun distraction to have a listen and count up the number of time  you hear people use  'that' word, and then observe what happens in the discussion.

 

Christchurch Earthquake - Sirius Being in the Right Place

While our dog Sirius is not as badly behaved as the Labrador retriever portrayed in ‘Marley & Me’, there were certainly times when he would have given Marley a run for his money. He has given us years of pleasure, and on numerous occasions… pain.

The pain was usually associated with something he ate which did not agree with him.  When he was younger he could also rival Houdini as an escape artist. On one such occasion, he showed us the power of opportunity, and how sometimes things are just meant to be.

A day after the devastating Christchurch earthquake in 2011, my partner took Sirius for a walk to visit family close by in Wellington. Sirius decided he was bored, broke through a fence and was on the run.  I got a call from my partner to tell me he had been missing for about an hour and she couldn’t find him. By this stage it was getting dark and finding a black dog was like looking for a needle in the proverbial haystack!

Fortunately, we got a call from the local dog controller advising us Sirius had been found. He said that usual process is for us to collect him from the pound, however the owner of the house had been adamant we needed to collect him directly from the house.

We arrived at a house which was a couple of streets away from where Sirius had escaped. This house sat behind a large fence and gate, with a reasonably long winding path to the front door. The person greeted us with “You can’t have him back”

She explained that her 12-year-old nephew had arrived from Christchurch about an hour before Sirius had literally strolled into their home.  The nephew had to leave behind his family to fly to Wellington and was very upset. Even more significant was that he also had to leave behind his much loved Labrador.

She said up to the point of Sirius’ bold entrance the nephew had been incredibly quiet and withdrawn. The nephew had latched onto Sirius and this was the catalyst which broke through the silence.To this day, we have no idea how and why he ended up at this particular house.

We like to think Sirius knew what he was doing that evening, rather than just being the opportunistic dog that he is.  Whatever the reason, in some small way his actions helped to ease the stress and uncertainty for that boy after the trauma of the earthquake experience.

Do things happen for a reason? I guess that would come down to an individual's values, beliefs, perspective and attitudes.

I am not a fan of the view that bad things happen for a reason.  When thing things do happen which are unexpected, unfortunate, or tragic I find  acknowledging the reality and how I feel about it,  maintaining resilience and hope, and keeping a positive attitude assists me to deal with bad things more effectively.

This is not to deny the impact and devastation of traumatic and challenging events. It is more to be aware of our reactions to them and when possible, shift our thinking from “this always happens” or “bad things happen to me” as this becomes a cycle which leaves a person feeling trapped and powerless, to one which reframes the situation to allow us to  so we can feel more in control.

When my father passed away a number of years ago, after a relatively short terminal illness, it would be easy to focus and remember the pain, suffering and grief which is associated with the illness and loss of a much loved Dad. For me, I prefer to remember and focus on the positive aspects, the values he instilled in us, and even the manner of his death, surrounded by his family.

A friend of mine is currently dealing with a life threatening illness, which is having a devastating impact on her life; she commented about the tremendous and humbling support she receives from family, friends and complete strangers. 

We can and do make a choice on what we focus on. We can choose to remember and focus on the negative things or we can choose to look for the positives in a situation and anchor those into our world view. 

Oh, the places you'll go - whose voice do we listen to?

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You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re are on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
Dr Seuss

When my son was at the end of his primary school education they gifted him a copy of the Dr Seuss book, OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL GO. The book reflected the ethos of the school - empowering students to set goals, and achieve the best they could be.  It has become a treasured book in our house, and an anchor for setting sights high.

It was interesting when I did a quick google search on this book  it brought up a large number of comments from people stating it has been overused and cliched. Two things struck me about this. How many people felt the need to negatively comment, and how difficult it can be to block out the negative opinions. 

The abundance of literature around being focused, setting goals, determination, and achieving to the best of your abilities is prolific.  Yet, somehow we live in a world with a negative bias. Where ‘but’ and ‘can’t’ are given more weight than ‘do’ and ‘can’. 

 A useful question which I often think to myself when I hear someone making a negative or limiting comment to me is  “What are you gaining by allowing these comments too take up space in your head?” I have yet to find a satisfactory response to this question!

Over thirty-five years ago my economics teacher commented to the class that the prospects of having a secure job for life were rapidly decreasing and that we were likely to have at least two or three career changes in our working lives. He said the notion of being ‘loyal’ to one company for life was outdated and we needed to be prepared for new and different opportunities. They were words which had an impact on me and assisted me to be comfortable with change and to take opportunities.

While Dr Seuss suggests you can do this on your own, my experience has been that getting someone independent to help map out the direction you want to steer is incredibly valuable. I have on a couple of occasions used a career coach. Both times they helped set the direction I wanted to go, without the person imposing their values and opinions.  This coaching allowed me to work through any perceived barriers, and set realistic goals to allow me to follow my passion. It was well worth the investment.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are …
and will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 per cent guaranteed.)