Playing in the sandpit

The expression, 'throwing your toys out of the sandpit,' has been around a long time, and is usually said in the context of describing either a toddler (or, on occasion, an adult), who has decided not to play nicely and has thrown a tantrum.

Playing in the sandpit with others can be a useful metaphor for a work organisation.  Space is confined, people might compete for the same things, one person might not like the way someone else plays, or they might not even be allowed to play with certain other people because of workplace dynamics.

If one thinks about the strategies involved with children learning to play in the sandpit together, there are some basic principles which can be applied to organisations.

1. Ensure the communication is clear on expectations (organisational culture) for playing in the same space. Get buy-in from all and constantly revisit those expectations.

2. Create a culture where individuals can express their interests, not just their position. Move beyond 'I want this....now!' Dig down to the reasons for their view. Questions that are open and begin with 'What...' and/or 'How...' are your best friends for getting to interests. 

3. Have a clear and transparent process for the times when someone 'loses it' because their needs are not being met. Ideally it will be a process that is based on mutual respect and allows growth. Sometimes bringing in external help to facilitate this can be helpful, as well. Often managers forget they are playing in the same sandpit, and that they might be part of the reason for the person losing it in the first place. 

A lot of the facilitation, mediation, and conflict coaching work I do is about getting people to play nicely with each other in their workplace sandpit through gaining a better understanding of the other person's perspective, needs and interests. 

A very effective way to assist individual(s) to resolve workplace issues and concerns is with a trained conflict management coach. This is when an individual gets to work through the issues independent of the other person.  It can be a very cost effective way of resolving issues when people have stopped playing nicely in that very small sandpit!

Lydia Ko - reflecting her values

Lydia Ko, World Champion golfer, was interviewed  after day three of four in  her bid for a Rio Olympic Games golf medal. Going into the third day she was well off the pace and not really looking like a medal contender. After a great round of golf on day three, this is what she commented to reporters.

"I've just got to stick to my own gameplan. I think that's really important. Sometimes you can get carried away about what somebody else is doing. I'm just going to focus solely on me. Try and play some good golf, just stay patient but at the same time have fun. I'm having this opportunity at the Olympics to maybe stand on the podium and that itself I'm really grateful for that. Either way I'm just going to enjoy it. The other girls are playing some great golf and hopefully I'll be able to do the same."

In her response she reflected some incredible wisdom, depth of character and values.  Respect for others, humility, passion, drive and gratitude  are implicit.

Great example of living her values day-to-day.

Paralysis by Analysis - overthinking →

I used to joke about people's ability to not make decisions, calling it 'paralysis by analysis'. Having too many options and not wanting to commit to one thing. Brendon Burchard gives some really clear steps to assist people who are stuck on making decisions. 

Brendon Burchard gave some good insights into what he terms ‘analysis paralysis’.

Look Beyond Yourself and Serve.
 Stop worrying if you’re good enough,  ready enough, or getting everything perfect in order to start. Look beyond yourself and realize your taking action can help others – your family, your team, your business and community. Serve! The way to get out of your head is to get in motion serving other people.

Clarify your vision and work backward.
What does your ultimate outcome look like? What would you define as success? How will you know when you’ve reached your goal? Once you have that vision clear in your head, work backwards from that to define the process to accomplish it. You don’t have to know every step, just a step.

Accomplish 3 things every day.
Just take three steps every day. If you don’t know where to start, try modelling others. What path did they follow? What are their habits? What do they seem to do every day or weekly?

Daily Practice.
If something is important to you, it needs to become a constant in your life. You need discipline and the willingness to show up every day and work towards it. Put it in your calendar and do something every day. The momentum of that will teach you to stop stalling.

"Squeeze a holiday in"

My partner and I were looking to see whether we could get a long weekend break. As the diary's were looking full, she found one weekend which was possible and commented, "we could possibly squeeze in a long weekend here". 

It made me wonder at what point did we lose perspective in our work/life balance when we started to use language, such as 'squeeze a holiday' as if it was almost in the 'too hard to organise, therefore lets not try basket!'

Implicit in the word 'squeeze' is pressure, tight, uncomfortable and therefore possibly stressful.

It struck us both about the power of language, where this choice of words automatically created a barrier to the idea of a long weekend holiday; and made us both question whether it was worth the effort. Whereas a different choice of words may have created a sense of excitement at the possibility of what we could organise.

A powerful tool at our disposal is our ability to stop and reflect on the impact of words we use in every day conversation, and to change those words if they create limiting beliefs or barriers to achieving your goals.

"Don't Just Play Nice" →

When there are conflicts or difficulties at work, do you shy away from it? 

I like harmony. Yet when there are conflicts at work we need to have the courage to open up to the difficulties and frustrations.  When we acknowledge and address conflict productively, teams are more likely to grow and progress, rather than just "get along."  Respectfully voicing issues and concerns  lends itself to excellence rather than "false harmony".

Working through conflict...by yourself - link post →

Cinne Noble poses some great self reflective questions to assist if you are afraid of raising an issue because you fear hurting the relationship and the other person.

Try and shut the door

Sometimes when I hear someone say 'try and shut the door' I visualise the mental exertion the person must be going through as they 'try and shut it'.  When did we change our language from 'please shut or close the door' to suddenly being seen as a challenge?

Teachers and coaches will often use 'try' as a way of encouraging someone to push beyond  a perceived barrier.  "try and do it..."

Common ones heard include "Try harder"," Try and put more effort into it", "Try and behave" I believe using 'try' actually creates a mental barrier for the person in some situations will make it harder for the person as they put their energy into the 'trying' bit. 

I believe it would be more effective to remove the  'try'  and focus on what  you are wanting, a ...success or a change of some kind.

If I was working on a particularly thorny problem, to have someone say to me "try harder to solve it" would not make an iota of difference to whether I was able to solve it or not.  However, it might make me question whether the person thought I wasn't already working  hard to solve the problem!

Telling someone to 'try and behave' could be more effective if you name the behaviours(s) you want rather than some vague concept. "I want you to sit quietly for 10 minutes" or "please close the door quietly" (this is particularly effective, if you have a door slammer child!) will achieve more success because it is naming the behaviour you want and is unambiguous.

As an aside, it  struck me how confusing it must be for second language learners, when they hear a commentator at a rugby game state X has 'scored a try!'  

Being right is okay...being right and influencing others is great →

Richard Cohen's views on the importance of suspending your view is worth a read.