The 'But' stops here...

One of the best things I learned to help avoid a conversation from stalling (especially important in complaint handling) was to be aware of everytime I used the word BUT in my conversation.   

BUT will successfully do three things:

1) stop your ability to successfully influence another person on your perspective

2) move you out of rapport with the other person

3) lead the other person to believe you are 'difficult to deal with' because you are not able to listen

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 "Those clothes look great on you, but..."

"I understand, but..."

It would be fair to say the person hearing the comment would be far more focused on what was about to come (usually a critique or criticism) and not have heard the positive.  It is entirely possible, in fact, highly likely, they will not have taken  anything  except the stuff you said, following the 'but'

The challenge with making the 'but stop here' is the reality lots of people use it. Either "no, but.." or "yes, but..." Is very common. 

This does not mean it cannot be changed. It simply requires a shift in thinking from looking at ways to counter someone else's view to finding ways to understand their view more carefully.  Often 'but' can appropriately be replaced by 'and..."

Next time you are in a meeting, it is a fun distraction to have a listen and count up the number of time  you hear people use  'that' word, and then observe what happens in the discussion.

 

Key Habits of Top Mediators

The International Chamber of Commerce (ICC) has some great guidelines on what top mediators do to make sure their mediations are successful.

  • Gain a certain level of knowledge about the history and nature of the dispute.

  • Establish a positive and open atmosphere.

  • Quickly understand the essence of the conflict.

  • Be completely neutral and impartial and convey that to each of the parties.

  • Patience and perseverance.